Waiting (on the Lord)

It seems to have been awhile again since I've taken time here to write out my thoughts.  Somehow here we are at the  middle of September already!  And tomorrow we head to our new fertility specialist...I'm pretty excited for this appointment.  Just join me in praying for clarity after we meet with her!  I really have no idea if we are going togo through any treatments right now, but it will be very good to ask some questions and try to get some answers.  We're coming armed with a lot of information, so that'll help hopefully!

We've been praying that God will allow us to see the open doors in front of us.  Sometimes we get so focused on what we think should be happening that we don't see how He is working.  So I don't know...whether it's pursuing other forms of adoption, or just continuing on our current path.  We're learning how to WAIT on the LORD.  It doesn't do us any good to try to forge our own way because it doesn't lead anywhere on our own power. But it's tempting to try to hurry up life and hurry up the journey (that's what I'm best at!)...but slowing down, seeking God's will, and waiting on Him will undoubtedly be much more effective. I can't remember who's song it was at the Life Light music festival, but the words "Wait on the Lord" really stuck out to me. I've been pondering them since.

Psalm 27:14 says to Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.


 As I've been researching that, other words that stand out to me are:
BE STILL
SEARCH
SEEK (my face, my heart)

And from a devotion I read recently:  "Do not expect God to have every little task written down for you, or even for Him to whisper to your heart by His Spirit. God's leading and direction takes many forms. God leads though His written Word, through wisdom, through godly counsel, through circumstance, and by direct communication from His Spirit."  


So we wait, and we WAIT.  And we're learning bit by bit what both of those mean!  


Thoughts?

I Am

I have been surprised the last few days that I still have so much remaining grief.  We have worked through so much, and it really did feel like we were moving on.  And we are, but I guess it's good to remember that the pain was so very deep that it will continue to hurt, sometimes at surprising times.  And hopefully each time the grief shows its face, the pain will become less and less.  It's good to remember that I need God every day, every hour. Why is it so easy to just live life and forget how deeply He is a part of every tiny part of life.

At a variety of times the last couple of days, I have been feeling such a huge need to learn how to trust God more.  While I pray for Him to guide me, am I really trusting Him?  Trusting Him with every moment.  Giving Him who I am now, as a woman, a wife, a mom.  And trusting that He will use me as I am now.  And why should I not trust Him?  He is I Am.

At the end of every rainbow 
There’s a promise proven true
No matter how you’re feeling now or what you go through
There will be somebody lovin’ you
Deeper than the grandest canyon
And higher than the open sky
Near enough to capture every whisper, every sigh
Strong enough to hold you when you cry

CHORUS
I Am. I was. I am the one who is to come. Yeah
Before and after, I’ll still be what I am and what I was.
All that you need. All that you want.
I Am.

If you need someone to hold you
Because your world’s fallin’ apart
If you need a light to guide you safely through the dark
And chase away the nightmares of the heart
If you need someone to give you 
A purpose for your broken past 
And restore the reservoir of hope inside of you
And mercies for each morning that is new

CHORUS
I AM. And I was. I am the one who is to come. Yeah.
Before and after. I’ll still be what I am and what I was.
I’ll be all that you need and I’ll be all that you want.
I’m telling you, I am, I’m the rose they crucified and buried
I am ,now I’m risen from the dead.
I am, I’m the lion from the tribe of Judah
I am, I’m the lamb
I am. And I was. I am the one who is to come. Yeah
Before and after.
I’m still gonna still be what I am and what I was
I’m gonna be all that you need and I’ll be all that you want.
I’m telling you I am. I am. 
What you need, what you want, what you what you deeply desire yeah
When you’re lonely and you think that no-one really cares
Before Sarah and Moses, The father Abraham.... I AM

Just Keep Swimmin'

The month of July absolutely flew by here!  We had a fun visit to my parents for a few days; we did a ton of swimming; we kept very busy with my MOMS Club; went to outdoor concerts and movies; and did a fair amount of babysitting.  The month couldn't help buy fly by quickly!  I can't say it's been an overly Fun summer, but we have done a lot of normal summer things that have been enjoyable. 

We've been struggling quite a bit with a few extreme behaviors with Lucas.  A lot happened all at once in May...the obvious of our failed adoption, and then also a lot of normal school-year activities ending.  So whether Lucas has displayed normal 3-yr old behaviors, or has not handled our lack of routine very well, or has gone through grief right along the rest of us...or more likely a combination of all 3.  No matter what the cause, he has displayed a lot of anger and aggression toward us that we've been working through.  NOT fun...I've seen slight improvement to last week or 2, which is hopeful. 

The last week, we've been doing respite care for 2 extra kiddos while my sister and BIL are out of town, and although we do not have the kids all the time due to visits with their parents, it has been so much fun, and I see glimpses of what a house full of kids could be!  No doubt Lucas has shown great improvement in his behavior while they've been there.  Granted, they've been getting a long, which make a huge difference :).  But, it's just been fun to have them all here.  Being a mom of an only child is not always easy! Certainly some things are easier, but I constantly have to encourage Lucas to play, get into his toys, etc.  With the other kids around, he just plays!  I can see our house that way; I can imagine being a mom to many kiddos...so how to get to that point? We're still not sure, but it just feels right, so we keep praying for God to open our minds and open the right doors for us. 

One month

Today was such a fun day (more on that later), which was good, or I may have sat and been swallowed up by grief.  It's now been one month since we found out we wouldn't be taking our baby girl home.  I won't continue to count every month, but one month seems monumental enough to mention!  It's been a LONG month; a month I have no desire to repeat and I pray we won't have a month quite like this again. We've come a long ways, and I definitely know we continue to have so many people lifting us up in prayer. THANK YOU for that.  My mornings have gotten a bit easier, but not on my own strength, that's for sure.

I decided to send a short email to the baby's mom yesterday, on A's 1-month birthday.  I'm not sure why, other than to try to express to her the depth of our love and a glimpse of our grief as well. But mostly we just wanted her to know that they will forever be on our minds and in our hearts.  I know it will fade with time, but this child will always be part of our lives in a way.  And perhaps a teeny bit of my heart was hoping that if she is miserable and at all regretting her decision, that she would know it's not too late.  But I know that won't happen; I just felt the need to make contact once more.  And now I'm done.  I don't expect to ever hear from her, but it was just something that felt right to do.

And so summer continues!  The weather didn't feel at all like summer today, so after Lucas was done with VBS this morning, we got to baking bread! This was a first for me, without the assistance of my bread machine!  Lucas thoroughly enjoyed punching and kneading the bread (as did I!) and we were both thrilled that it rose so well!  While the dough was rising, we went down to the park and rode our bikes together (Lucas is actually begging to ride his big boy bike now...he got the bike 2 months ago but then fell shortly after so has been to scared to get back on).  We got home 3 minutes before a huge down-pour of rain...great timing!  Then we got the bread in the loaf pans and snuggled on the couch while it rose a bit more.  We pulled it out of the oven just in time for supper, and it was amazing! :)

Now it's time to get L to bed, so this is all for now.  Thank you, God, for the joy in each day!!

Weighing options

While we made the decision to go back in the adoption waiting families pool again, we are also looking at other options. 

Back in 2006 we started seeing a fertility doctor (RE) here, and we had a few things done to try to have a baby.  At that time, after a few things were tried, we were told our only option was IVF with ICSI (see http://infertility.about.com/od/ivf/a/icsi_ivf.htm if you're curious what that is) and we did not want to go that route at that time.  6 months later we were notified about Lucas, and adoption became our route to parenthood! 

We have thought about going back the the RE again but God seemed to keep leading us back to adoption, and while we would still LOVE to add to our family through adoption, doubts fill our mind if that will really happen.  We technically are asked to not keep our names in the pool while also pursuing fertility treatments, but we have made a few appointments to explore our options.  However, for our previous doctor, we can't get in for a consult until the end of July, and for a doctor that has been recommended to us by many people, we can't get in until mid-September!! So we've made 2 appointments and now have a little time to decide which doctor we want to see.  I'm leaning toward the Sept. one as she comes highly recommended and per the website, deal a lot with male infertility as well. 

So, ugh, but we pray for God to open doors, so we have to do our part to walk through the doors!!  I have to start a large list of questions to go over with the RE...so many options we want to explore!  Thankfully, we have plenty of time :).

Simple Joy

Lettuce cut with Lucas' help, fresh out of our garden, topped with strawberries picked last week from the strawberry patch=a joy-filled supper!!

Rough mornings...

Most times throughout our adoption journey, I saw the morning as a beautiful thing. If I was feeling discouraged, the morning seemed to bring new hope and new joy! Lamentations 3:23 became my motto:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

And they are still new every morning, but my mornings have been pretty tough! I'm not sure why exactly, but since the morning of May 22 when we woke up and it was still real that we would not be taking Adelaina home, it seems most difficult to feel hopeful in the morning. And that is so not how life usually goes for me!

Today we received the most wonderful card from a friend at church. It said that some days, it's ok to not be tough, some days it's ok to just BE. And that is so how I feel every morning. So I know that it's ok, but it's not a lot of fun! It's hard to get up and get going and it's hard to not be overwhelmed by doubts. So maybe I need to ask for you, my friends, to get down on your knees for me in the mornings, or when we enter your mind, pray that I feel filled with joy all day long! I am also going to ask for an anti-depressant soon to help through the next couple of months; I think that's got to help a bit as well.

I know people expect us to move on, and we have to a certain extent, but this has just really zapped me. So keep on praying us through it!! I am sooo glad I filled our freezer up with meals in May or my family would never eat supper! See, God IS faithful! :)

The need to write...

I think after a time, Facebook is not the place to put all my philosophical points ;). So back to blogging we go! I am a bit intimidated by so many of the wonderful blogs I already read, but I'll give it another go!

As most people reading this already know, we lost a child about 3 weeks ago. Not to death, but to a failed adoption.

Now many people see this as us never really having her, so how is it a big deal to have lost her? But God created a deep love in our hearts for this precious babe, both before we even found out about her, then especially during our 2-month prep time, and still, she is part of our every moment thoughts and prayers. I finally found a picture of her, which helps me find a little more closure, just to know she appears to be loved by her family. I hope so. I still don't understand why she isn't here at our home, being loved on by us, but maybe in time I will.

This is one of the harder things we have had to go through in life! And yet life rolls on, and we have to roll with it! Our pastor gave us good advice...to face the grief and deal with it; don't just push it away! This wasn't just paperwork that didn't go through, this was an actual child, and so we grieve. But we have to keep living as well. My 3-yr old won't just lay in bed all day so I can sit and mope and cry. But he is so compassionate. God gives me the strength to get up, to take care of my family, to mean it when I tell people I'm doing ok. But yesterday I faced the grief again, and Lucas put his sweet little hand on my face, and we both cried together for a few minutes. And that was ok.

Morning by morning, day by day. His mercies are new! I try to find rest in that.

What is Peculiar Joy?

Peculiar Joy is a joy that doesn't make sense. When we have no other words, when life just doesn't make sense, when bad things seem to happen more than good, JOY is still there.

You can be happy when everything is right with your life. But joy is unshakable. Joy is not the absence of troubles, but the presence of a living God. (quote from Pastor Brady Boyd, senior pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs).

So I hope to use this blog to give all sorts of examples of what brings us joy in our journey of life! Some will be light-hearted, some will share our sorrows and anxieties, but I do hope you join me in this journey!

I had a former blog on Xanga but stopped blogging over a year ago. I just didn't seem to have much of a desire to write, but as of late, I feel a need to write. So hopefully this will be a good outlet for sharing my stories of life.