Today was such a fun day (more on that later), which was good, or I may have sat and been swallowed up by grief. It's now been one month since we found out we wouldn't be taking our baby girl home. I won't continue to count every month, but one month seems monumental enough to mention! It's been a LONG month; a month I have no desire to repeat and I pray we won't have a month quite like this again. We've come a long ways, and I definitely know we continue to have so many people lifting us up in prayer. THANK YOU for that. My mornings have gotten a bit easier, but not on my own strength, that's for sure.
I decided to send a short email to the baby's mom yesterday, on A's 1-month birthday. I'm not sure why, other than to try to express to her the depth of our love and a glimpse of our grief as well. But mostly we just wanted her to know that they will forever be on our minds and in our hearts. I know it will fade with time, but this child will always be part of our lives in a way. And perhaps a teeny bit of my heart was hoping that if she is miserable and at all regretting her decision, that she would know it's not too late. But I know that won't happen; I just felt the need to make contact once more. And now I'm done. I don't expect to ever hear from her, but it was just something that felt right to do.
And so summer continues! The weather didn't feel at all like summer today, so after Lucas was done with VBS this morning, we got to baking bread! This was a first for me, without the assistance of my bread machine! Lucas thoroughly enjoyed punching and kneading the bread (as did I!) and we were both thrilled that it rose so well! While the dough was rising, we went down to the park and rode our bikes together (Lucas is actually begging to ride his big boy bike now...he got the bike 2 months ago but then fell shortly after so has been to scared to get back on). We got home 3 minutes before a huge down-pour of rain...great timing! Then we got the bread in the loaf pans and snuggled on the couch while it rose a bit more. We pulled it out of the oven just in time for supper, and it was amazing! :)
Now it's time to get L to bed, so this is all for now. Thank you, God, for the joy in each day!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Weighing options
While we made the decision to go back in the adoption waiting families pool again, we are also looking at other options.
Back in 2006 we started seeing a fertility doctor (RE) here, and we had a few things done to try to have a baby. At that time, after a few things were tried, we were told our only option was IVF with ICSI (see http://infertility.about.com/od/ivf/a/icsi_ivf.htm if you're curious what that is) and we did not want to go that route at that time. 6 months later we were notified about Lucas, and adoption became our route to parenthood!
We have thought about going back the the RE again but God seemed to keep leading us back to adoption, and while we would still LOVE to add to our family through adoption, doubts fill our mind if that will really happen. We technically are asked to not keep our names in the pool while also pursuing fertility treatments, but we have made a few appointments to explore our options. However, for our previous doctor, we can't get in for a consult until the end of July, and for a doctor that has been recommended to us by many people, we can't get in until mid-September!! So we've made 2 appointments and now have a little time to decide which doctor we want to see. I'm leaning toward the Sept. one as she comes highly recommended and per the website, deal a lot with male infertility as well.
So, ugh, but we pray for God to open doors, so we have to do our part to walk through the doors!! I have to start a large list of questions to go over with the RE...so many options we want to explore! Thankfully, we have plenty of time :).
Back in 2006 we started seeing a fertility doctor (RE) here, and we had a few things done to try to have a baby. At that time, after a few things were tried, we were told our only option was IVF with ICSI (see http://infertility.about.com/od/ivf/a/icsi_ivf.htm if you're curious what that is) and we did not want to go that route at that time. 6 months later we were notified about Lucas, and adoption became our route to parenthood!
We have thought about going back the the RE again but God seemed to keep leading us back to adoption, and while we would still LOVE to add to our family through adoption, doubts fill our mind if that will really happen. We technically are asked to not keep our names in the pool while also pursuing fertility treatments, but we have made a few appointments to explore our options. However, for our previous doctor, we can't get in for a consult until the end of July, and for a doctor that has been recommended to us by many people, we can't get in until mid-September!! So we've made 2 appointments and now have a little time to decide which doctor we want to see. I'm leaning toward the Sept. one as she comes highly recommended and per the website, deal a lot with male infertility as well.
So, ugh, but we pray for God to open doors, so we have to do our part to walk through the doors!! I have to start a large list of questions to go over with the RE...so many options we want to explore! Thankfully, we have plenty of time :).
Monday, June 13, 2011
Simple Joy
Lettuce cut with Lucas' help, fresh out of our garden, topped with strawberries picked last week from the strawberry patch=a joy-filled supper!!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Rough mornings...
Most times throughout our adoption journey, I saw the morning as a beautiful thing. If I was feeling discouraged, the morning seemed to bring new hope and new joy! Lamentations 3:23 became my motto:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
And they are still new every morning, but my mornings have been pretty tough! I'm not sure why exactly, but since the morning of May 22 when we woke up and it was still real that we would not be taking Adelaina home, it seems most difficult to feel hopeful in the morning. And that is so not how life usually goes for me!
Today we received the most wonderful card from a friend at church. It said that some days, it's ok to not be tough, some days it's ok to just BE. And that is so how I feel every morning. So I know that it's ok, but it's not a lot of fun! It's hard to get up and get going and it's hard to not be overwhelmed by doubts. So maybe I need to ask for you, my friends, to get down on your knees for me in the mornings, or when we enter your mind, pray that I feel filled with joy all day long! I am also going to ask for an anti-depressant soon to help through the next couple of months; I think that's got to help a bit as well.
I know people expect us to move on, and we have to a certain extent, but this has just really zapped me. So keep on praying us through it!! I am sooo glad I filled our freezer up with meals in May or my family would never eat supper! See, God IS faithful! :)
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
And they are still new every morning, but my mornings have been pretty tough! I'm not sure why exactly, but since the morning of May 22 when we woke up and it was still real that we would not be taking Adelaina home, it seems most difficult to feel hopeful in the morning. And that is so not how life usually goes for me!
Today we received the most wonderful card from a friend at church. It said that some days, it's ok to not be tough, some days it's ok to just BE. And that is so how I feel every morning. So I know that it's ok, but it's not a lot of fun! It's hard to get up and get going and it's hard to not be overwhelmed by doubts. So maybe I need to ask for you, my friends, to get down on your knees for me in the mornings, or when we enter your mind, pray that I feel filled with joy all day long! I am also going to ask for an anti-depressant soon to help through the next couple of months; I think that's got to help a bit as well.
I know people expect us to move on, and we have to a certain extent, but this has just really zapped me. So keep on praying us through it!! I am sooo glad I filled our freezer up with meals in May or my family would never eat supper! See, God IS faithful! :)
Friday, June 10, 2011
The need to write...
I think after a time, Facebook is not the place to put all my philosophical points ;). So back to blogging we go! I am a bit intimidated by so many of the wonderful blogs I already read, but I'll give it another go!
As most people reading this already know, we lost a child about 3 weeks ago. Not to death, but to a failed adoption.
Now many people see this as us never really having her, so how is it a big deal to have lost her? But God created a deep love in our hearts for this precious babe, both before we even found out about her, then especially during our 2-month prep time, and still, she is part of our every moment thoughts and prayers. I finally found a picture of her, which helps me find a little more closure, just to know she appears to be loved by her family. I hope so. I still don't understand why she isn't here at our home, being loved on by us, but maybe in time I will.
This is one of the harder things we have had to go through in life! And yet life rolls on, and we have to roll with it! Our pastor gave us good advice...to face the grief and deal with it; don't just push it away! This wasn't just paperwork that didn't go through, this was an actual child, and so we grieve. But we have to keep living as well. My 3-yr old won't just lay in bed all day so I can sit and mope and cry. But he is so compassionate. God gives me the strength to get up, to take care of my family, to mean it when I tell people I'm doing ok. But yesterday I faced the grief again, and Lucas put his sweet little hand on my face, and we both cried together for a few minutes. And that was ok.
Morning by morning, day by day. His mercies are new! I try to find rest in that.
As most people reading this already know, we lost a child about 3 weeks ago. Not to death, but to a failed adoption.
Now many people see this as us never really having her, so how is it a big deal to have lost her? But God created a deep love in our hearts for this precious babe, both before we even found out about her, then especially during our 2-month prep time, and still, she is part of our every moment thoughts and prayers. I finally found a picture of her, which helps me find a little more closure, just to know she appears to be loved by her family. I hope so. I still don't understand why she isn't here at our home, being loved on by us, but maybe in time I will.
This is one of the harder things we have had to go through in life! And yet life rolls on, and we have to roll with it! Our pastor gave us good advice...to face the grief and deal with it; don't just push it away! This wasn't just paperwork that didn't go through, this was an actual child, and so we grieve. But we have to keep living as well. My 3-yr old won't just lay in bed all day so I can sit and mope and cry. But he is so compassionate. God gives me the strength to get up, to take care of my family, to mean it when I tell people I'm doing ok. But yesterday I faced the grief again, and Lucas put his sweet little hand on my face, and we both cried together for a few minutes. And that was ok.
Morning by morning, day by day. His mercies are new! I try to find rest in that.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
What is Peculiar Joy?
Peculiar Joy is a joy that doesn't make sense. When we have no other words, when life just doesn't make sense, when bad things seem to happen more than good, JOY is still there.
You can be happy when everything is right with your life. But joy is unshakable. Joy is not the absence of troubles, but the presence of a living God. (quote from Pastor Brady Boyd, senior pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs).
So I hope to use this blog to give all sorts of examples of what brings us joy in our journey of life! Some will be light-hearted, some will share our sorrows and anxieties, but I do hope you join me in this journey!
I had a former blog on Xanga but stopped blogging over a year ago. I just didn't seem to have much of a desire to write, but as of late, I feel a need to write. So hopefully this will be a good outlet for sharing my stories of life.
You can be happy when everything is right with your life. But joy is unshakable. Joy is not the absence of troubles, but the presence of a living God. (quote from Pastor Brady Boyd, senior pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs).
So I hope to use this blog to give all sorts of examples of what brings us joy in our journey of life! Some will be light-hearted, some will share our sorrows and anxieties, but I do hope you join me in this journey!
I had a former blog on Xanga but stopped blogging over a year ago. I just didn't seem to have much of a desire to write, but as of late, I feel a need to write. So hopefully this will be a good outlet for sharing my stories of life.
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