I Am

I have been surprised the last few days that I still have so much remaining grief.  We have worked through so much, and it really did feel like we were moving on.  And we are, but I guess it's good to remember that the pain was so very deep that it will continue to hurt, sometimes at surprising times.  And hopefully each time the grief shows its face, the pain will become less and less.  It's good to remember that I need God every day, every hour. Why is it so easy to just live life and forget how deeply He is a part of every tiny part of life.

At a variety of times the last couple of days, I have been feeling such a huge need to learn how to trust God more.  While I pray for Him to guide me, am I really trusting Him?  Trusting Him with every moment.  Giving Him who I am now, as a woman, a wife, a mom.  And trusting that He will use me as I am now.  And why should I not trust Him?  He is I Am.

At the end of every rainbow 
There’s a promise proven true
No matter how you’re feeling now or what you go through
There will be somebody lovin’ you
Deeper than the grandest canyon
And higher than the open sky
Near enough to capture every whisper, every sigh
Strong enough to hold you when you cry

CHORUS
I Am. I was. I am the one who is to come. Yeah
Before and after, I’ll still be what I am and what I was.
All that you need. All that you want.
I Am.

If you need someone to hold you
Because your world’s fallin’ apart
If you need a light to guide you safely through the dark
And chase away the nightmares of the heart
If you need someone to give you 
A purpose for your broken past 
And restore the reservoir of hope inside of you
And mercies for each morning that is new

CHORUS
I AM. And I was. I am the one who is to come. Yeah.
Before and after. I’ll still be what I am and what I was.
I’ll be all that you need and I’ll be all that you want.
I’m telling you, I am, I’m the rose they crucified and buried
I am ,now I’m risen from the dead.
I am, I’m the lion from the tribe of Judah
I am, I’m the lamb
I am. And I was. I am the one who is to come. Yeah
Before and after.
I’m still gonna still be what I am and what I was
I’m gonna be all that you need and I’ll be all that you want.
I’m telling you I am. I am. 
What you need, what you want, what you what you deeply desire yeah
When you’re lonely and you think that no-one really cares
Before Sarah and Moses, The father Abraham.... I AM

Just Keep Swimmin'

The month of July absolutely flew by here!  We had a fun visit to my parents for a few days; we did a ton of swimming; we kept very busy with my MOMS Club; went to outdoor concerts and movies; and did a fair amount of babysitting.  The month couldn't help buy fly by quickly!  I can't say it's been an overly Fun summer, but we have done a lot of normal summer things that have been enjoyable. 

We've been struggling quite a bit with a few extreme behaviors with Lucas.  A lot happened all at once in May...the obvious of our failed adoption, and then also a lot of normal school-year activities ending.  So whether Lucas has displayed normal 3-yr old behaviors, or has not handled our lack of routine very well, or has gone through grief right along the rest of us...or more likely a combination of all 3.  No matter what the cause, he has displayed a lot of anger and aggression toward us that we've been working through.  NOT fun...I've seen slight improvement to last week or 2, which is hopeful. 

The last week, we've been doing respite care for 2 extra kiddos while my sister and BIL are out of town, and although we do not have the kids all the time due to visits with their parents, it has been so much fun, and I see glimpses of what a house full of kids could be!  No doubt Lucas has shown great improvement in his behavior while they've been there.  Granted, they've been getting a long, which make a huge difference :).  But, it's just been fun to have them all here.  Being a mom of an only child is not always easy! Certainly some things are easier, but I constantly have to encourage Lucas to play, get into his toys, etc.  With the other kids around, he just plays!  I can see our house that way; I can imagine being a mom to many kiddos...so how to get to that point? We're still not sure, but it just feels right, so we keep praying for God to open our minds and open the right doors for us.